Why We Act the Way We Do

Attachment Style is a clinical term used to determine and explain how you relate to significant others. You developed your attachment style through the events of your early childhood. This quick quiz will help you discover your attachment style.

For each question, select the option, a, b, c, or d that most closely describes your typical behavior or feelings in relationships with significant people.

Write your answers on a piece of paper. 

EXAMPLE: a, a, a, c, b, a, d, etc.

When my spouse or significant person seems distant to me, I typically:

a) Feel anxious and try to get closer to them

b) Give them space and wait for them to come to me

c) Don’t worry much about it

d) Feel hurt but try to hide my feelings

In marriage or significant relationships, I tend to:

a) Worry that my spouse or significant person might leave me

b) Feel comfortable with emotional intimacy

c) Prefer to maintain some emotional distance

d) Struggle to fully trust my spouse or significant person

When conflict arises in a relationship, I:

a) Become very emotional and seek immediate resolution

b) Discuss issues calmly and directly

c) Withdraw or avoid confrontation

d) Feel overwhelmed and shut down

My past relationships have been:

a) Intense and often turbulent

b) Stable and secure

c) Minimal or short-lived

d) Marked by fear of getting too close

When my spouse or significant person is not immediately responsive, I:

a) Send multiple messages or try to contact them repeatedly

b) Understand they might be busy

c) Feel indifferent

d) Assume something is wrong

Emotional intimacy makes me feel:

a) Excited and validated

b) Comfortable and safe

c) Uncomfortable or trapped

d) Anxious and vulnerable

In relationships, I am most afraid of:

a) Being abandoned

b) Losing my sense of self

c) Getting too emotionally involved

d) Being hurt or rejected

When planning future commitments, I:

a) Eagerly push for deeper commitment

b) Feel naturally comfortable with progression

c) Feel hesitant or resistant

d) Worry about potential complications

My childhood relationships with my mother, father, both parents, or caregivers were:

a) Inconsistent or unpredictable

b) Stable and supportive

c) Distant or emotionally limited

d) Marked by frequent separation or loss

When my spouse or significant person needs space, I:

a) Feel rejected and become clingy

b) Respect their need and maintain connection

c) Quickly disengage

d) Feel anxious but try to hide it

Expressing my emotional needs feels:

a) Necessary and urgent

b) Natural and comfortable

c) Difficult or unnecessary

d) Scary and vulnerable

In arguments, I tend to:

a) Become very emotional and seek reassurance

b) Communicate clearly and seek a resolution

c) Withdraw or shut down

d) Feel overwhelmed and struggle to communicate

My view of romantic relationships is:

a) Passionate but often complicated

b) Supportive and secure

c) Something to be cautious about

d) Potentially threatening

When feeling insecure in a relationship, I:

a) Seek constant reassurance

b) Communicate my feelings directly

c) Minimize my emotional investment

d) Become quiet and internally stressed

Long-term commitment feels:

a) Exciting but anxiety-inducing

b) Natural and desirable

c) Restrictive or overwhelming

d) Potentially painful

Scoring Guide

Count the number of times you selected each letter, i.e., a = 4 times, b = 3 times, etc.

Interpretation

Majority of A’s = Anxious Attachment (aka Preoccupied Attachment)

• • Highly emotional, fear abandonment, seek constant reassurance
  • Often worry about relationships and partner’s feelings

Majority of B’s = Secure Attachment

• • Comfortable with intimacy, communicates well
  • Healthy relationship patterns, balanced emotional responses

Majority of C’s = Avoidant Attachment

• • Value independence, uncomfortable with deep emotional connection
  • Tend to keep emotional distance in relationships

Majority of D’s = Fearful-Avoidant Attachment (aka Disorganized Attachment)

• • Complex attachment style, fear of both intimacy and abandonment
  • Struggle with trust and emotional vulnerability

Anxious Attachment (aka Preoccupied Attachment)

Anxious Attachment (aka Preoccupied Attachment) often forms in a child when caregivers are inconsistent—sometimes attentive and loving, but other times distant or preoccupied.

This unpredictability teaches the child to become hypervigilant about caregivers’ availability, leading them to feel insecure and crave reassurance.

They crave closeness but often feel insecure and anxious. This is an outgrowth of being inconsistently soothed as a child, or expected to meet a caregiver’s emotional needs.

In adulthood, they can manifest people-pleasing and controlling behaviors. They tend to be “clingy” due to fear of abandonment, and they have difficulty trusting that others truly care. They may also seek constant validation while worrying that their partner will pull away.

Key belief: “I need you to prove I’m okay. Don’t leave.”

Secure Attachment

Secure Attachment develops when a child consistently experiences caregivers who are responsive, reliable, and emotionally available.

Such children learn that their needs will be met, which fosters trust and comfort in relationships.

As adults, securely attached individuals usually feel confident being close to others, comfortable with intimacy, and capable of balancing independence with connection.

They often develop healthy coping strategies and a positive view of both themselves and others.

A securely attached person transitions smoothly between independence and connection. They handle emotions well, trust others, and recover quickly after stress. They learned early that it’s safe to explore and okay to need support.

Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant Attachment typically emerges when caregivers are emotionally unavailable, dismissive, or discourage a child from expressing needs and feelings.

Avoidant individuals were often pushed as children to perform and explore, but discouraged from expressing emotions or seeking comfort.

To cope, the child learns to self-soothe and minimize emotional expression, concluding that relying on others is not safe or effective.

Adults with Avoidant Attachment may value independence to an extreme degree, often feeling uncomfortable with closeness or vulnerability, and may withdraw when relationships demand intimacy.

They are self-reliant, distant, and uneasy with vulnerability. They avoid intimacy and may substitute connection with achievement, status, or addiction.

Key belief: “If I show need, I’ll be rejected or seen as weak.”

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment (aka Disorganized Attachment)

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment and Disorganized Attachment are often used interchangeably, but they are not precisely the same, though they are closely related.

Disorganized Attachment explains the “roots” of what happened to a child that can later develop into the behavior associated with Fearful-Avoidant Attachment. 

Disorganized Attachment tends to develop in contexts of childhood trauma, often stemming from abuse, abandonment, or neglect, where a caregiver is simultaneously a source of comfort and fear.

The trauma creates confusion for the child, leading to contradictory behaviors such as approaching for support but withdrawing in fear. That is Disorganized Attachment.

In adulthood, Disorganized Attachment can develop into further behaviors associated with Fearful-Avoidant Attachment, resulting in an unstable or conflicted approach to relationships—where one wants closeness but fears it at the same time. This leads to a push-pull dynamic in relationships. Difficulties regulating emotions and struggles with trust are typically associated with these conditions.

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment involves high levels of both anxiety and avoidance, causing profound internal conflict between craving closeness and fearing rejection or harm.

The Fearful-Avoidant person may dissociate, self-harm, or use extreme coping strategies to manage overwhelming emotions.

Key belief: “I want connection, but it’s too dangerous to trust.”

NOTE: Not all Disorganized Attachment in childhood necessarily leads to Fearful-Avoidant Attachment in adulthood. Disorganized Attachment as a clinical concept encompasses more complex behaviors beyond simply fearful avoidance.

NOTES

• No single style is inherently “bad”
• Understanding your attachment style can help improve relationships
• Consider professional counseling for deeper insights